Three days clean

The last day that I self-harmed was Sunday…wow, it’s already been three days. I remember for the past year and a half of struggling with self-harm not being able to go three hours without cutting myself. I’ve now managed to make it seventy-two hours without inflicting any kind of harm on myself. This is seriously unheard of for me – even when I was at Laureate for residential treatment I self-harmed every other day, especially when i got a real razor. There are scars all up my left wrist and arm and on my right thigh. I have words etched into my skin and I always keep my body covered so no one can see my scars. Body image is at an all time low right now to be honest. My perception of my body was getting better a few days ago because I could see some definite weight loss in my body; clothes are starting to fit looser and I was getting very hungry from heavy restricting. I haven’t followed my meal plan in two months and I am still so hungry even though I am eating almost double the amount of calories I have been consuming daily for the past few weeks/month. Anorexia is so very strong and my urges to restrict, exercise, and self harm are oh so high. To anyone who struggles with Anorexia, self-harm, anxiety, and depression…How do you fight the urges to restrict/exercise/self-harm/isolate? I am struggling and I need some words of advice/help.

Keep fighting for recovery my fellow #edwarriors…YOU are worthy of recovery!

XOXO,

Larkin

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Jai Bhim! India Republic Day Jan. 26

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Jai Bhim! Jan. 26 is India Republic Day, the day India celebrates its birth as a modern nation, free of British rule, under a Constitution. In honour of this day, I celebrate the achievements of Dr. Bimrao Ramji Ambedkar, “Babasaheb”, Minister of Law and chief architect of the Indian Constitution. Dr. Ambedkar worked fearlessly and to the end of his days to eradicate the Hindu caste system which branded him an Untouchable, despite the fact that he earned two doctorate degrees (Ph.D Economics, Columbia U.; Ph.D. Political Science, London School of Economics), and was admitted as a Barrister at Law in both the UK and India. Dr. Ambedkar become a follower of Buddhism in the 1940s, and in 1956, formally took Refuge Vows and became a Buddhist, before an audience of 600,000 Dalits (Untouchables) who took Refuge with him. He died only two months later, but since then, MILLIONS…

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The drawbacks of having an ED identity

My name is Erin although friends refer to me by my last name…Larkin. I am 5’10” tall, have dirty strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, and tan skin. I have seven piercings on my left ear, three on my right ear, I have my belly button pierced and my nose is pierced, too. I wear a gold hoop as my nose ring because it makes me feel bohemian along with my long naturally curly hair. I like tie dye headbands from a gypsy store down on Main Street and I have pants that are made in Thailand that I am in love with. Some say that these facts about me would be my identity…I say otherwise. Yes, I do identify as Larkin or “Lark”. I enjoy black coffee and believe that I am a hippie. But the thing is that I don’t know myself beyond these few simple things. I only know myself as Larkin, the girl with Anorexia. There are some drawbacks for being known as the anorexic girl. Friendships start to fade because I don’t have the energy to go out and socialize. I miss out on a good number of social gatherings in general because food is involved and all it terrifies me. I don’t get invited to parties because I don’t drink and not just because alcohol has calories but that is one of the reasons why I don’t drink. I was unable to attend college in a different state this year because I’m attached to anorexia. Teachers, Parents, and my treatment team are always worried about me, my weight, the amount of food I am consuming and restricting and the old/new self-harm marks that cover my left arm. Having an ED identity takes life away from you but I am still too scared to let go of being the anorexic girl. I like being so underweight that I have medical complications. I feel some sort of sick satisfaction from my hair falling out, fainting/blacking out, clothes getting baggy on my frame, and having no energy at all. It’s disgusting that I find pride in these things but I don’t know any different.

To those who also have an ED identity: what are some drawbacks you have experienced by being defined by your eatinf disorder.

Peace, Love and Blessings.

XoXo,

Larkin

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I like being known as the anorexic girl because it is one of the only identities I have ever had. I used to be the varsity long distance runner, one of the best on the team some people would say. For a few years being known as a distance runner and team captain were suffice but that quickly changed when I had one devastating race. I believed I wasn’t good enough to be categorized as a varsity athlete so I fell back on the one thing I knew I could do well…anorexia. When I am lost and have no identity I go running back to “Ana” because I find immense comfort in her bony grasp. Currently I find myself unsure of who I am as an individual because I am not away at Saint Joseph’s University this semester which is where I had planned to be the whole time I was in residential treatment. I made some amazing friends while at Laureate and that helped me to see that people like me at a healthy weight for my tall stature, but that feeling only lasted a day or two. Who am I without anorexia? Thoughts zipped through my mind that the only reason these women talked to me and confided in me was because they felt sorry for me…because I was fat and lonely. I connected with others in treatment easily because they had the same crazy thoughts and distortions that I also struggle with. Now that I am out of that safe environment with friends to hold my hands through scary meals and late night talks of what we want to do with our futures I have fallen back into my usual role of “the anorexic girl”. I don’t want to be the healthy girl. I don’t want to be heavy or pudgy or even slender…I still crave to be skin and bones. I never thought I was skinny enough even at x pounds and 5’10” tall. I never thought I was good enough even when I would get an A on a paper in school. I never felt like a good athlete even though I could run a 2 mile track race in 11 minutes and 45 seconds. I never felt as though I was enough in any aspect of life. Of course now I feel like the world’s biggest failure because I am not at school in Pennsylvania, I have a handful of friends and I can only go on walks and do yoga. I’ve fallen again to the feet of anorexia begging her to label me as one of her own once more because I have no identity. I cringe at the thought of not being defined by the size of my body, whether I’m severely underweight or at a healthy weight because I don’t know anything different. Who am I without Anorexia? I have no idea and right now I don’t want to find out because I am scared of life without “Ana” by my side.

Overwhelmed and Optimistic

On Wednesday I was supposed to move into my college dorm room and start the beginning of second semester at Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia. My parents and I packed up almost every belonging in my room and drove the 2.5 hours up into the city of brotherly love which I call my home. It was ten in the morning when I arrived at McShain residence hall and I was one of the first people in the dorm. It took three trips from the car to the third floor to get all of my bags to the room that I was supposed to call my new abode. My wonderful aunt who lives approximately half an hour away from SJU came to help get me settled into the room and we had a good conversation as I hung my tapestry from India up on my wall.

My parents took me to my dietitian appointment at 1 o’clock and that’s where I learned the harsh reality of my future. This new dietitian weighed me and told me that I had lost weight since I saw her last week. She asked kindly if she could give me something to eat to make up for the exchanges I had already restricted for the day. My answer: “You can give me something but I won’t eat it”. Unfortunately my inability to make up restricted exchanges brought her to the conclusion that I am not ready for college. She then told me, “Don’t unpack your bags…You shouldn’t be away at college this semester”. Those words keep ringing in my head and definitely made my insecurities and anxiety heighten. How can I be away at school when my team doesn’t believe in me? My dietitian, therapist, family therapist and psychiatrist were hesitant to have me go back to college this semester as well because although I have made some progress in the past few weeks I need to be in a better place mentally to be able to handle the stress that comes along with college life.

When I returned back to campus my parents and I went to go get my books and that’s when it hit me that I wasn’t mentally prepared to fight anorexia and take on the anxieties that college brings such as finding friends who aren’t into drinking and partying, food, social situations and going to appointments. I started bawling in the business school building knowing that everything I worked for out at Laureate was about to go down the drain. Why did I even do refeeding if I can’t be at the school of my dreams this semester?

Unfortunately my parents and I packed up all my belongings and we ventured home. Heartbroken and defeated I sat silent in the car and my father drove me home. My mother informed my treatment team back here in Maryland of the overwhelming nature of move in day and my decision to come back home instead of stay at school. I knew if I were to stay at school this semester that I would have restricted more than I already am and would have lost a significant amount of weight resulting in my parents picking me up three weeks into the semester and sending me back to treatment. Instead of being at SJU, where my heart and soul resides, I will be taking a few general education classes at Howard Community College in Columbia, MD and I am also on the hunt for a part-time job. I will be attending therapy, family therapy and dietitian appointments every week while I am home as well.

The hope now is that I can keep working on my mental and physical well being so that I can move into a dorm over the summer at Saint Joseph’s University and take some summer classes there before starting the school year in August 2015.I am completely beaten down and hurting inside that I am not at school right now, but knowing that my parents and treatment team are here supporting me until I go back makes me feel a bit better. I am not a failure for not being able to go away to school for this year…I am strong for being mature enough to make the heart breaking decision and knowing that I need to be stable enough to go back to school in the summer.

Peace, Love, and Blessings

XoXo,

Larkin

Anorexics Anonymous

Hi….I’m Erin, and…I’m Anorexic.

*Hi Erin*

The first step towards recovery from any mental illness or addiction is acceptance. Eating Disorders are in fact addictions – I am addicted to restricting, exercising and counting calories. Anorexia is a coping mechanism for the anxiety and depression I experience in different aspects of my daily life. I restrict when I feel anxious. I exercise when I feel stressed. I count calories when my world is flipped upside down. When I am in the throes of anorexia and self harm my anxiety and depression are heightened…I even experience suicidal thoughts. This is very common for people who struggle with eating disorders and knowing that others feel and act out in the same ways that I do makes me feel a little bit less crazy. The fact of the matter though is that we have to make the commitment every day to follow our meal plan, ignore the voice in our head that tells us we are fat, worthless, ugly, stupid, etc. and push towards what you want to actually accomplish in life. We are addicts and just like an alcoholic has to make the decision to not go to the bar and grab a drink after work to ease their stress we have to make the choice to eat the prescribed meals and snacks in order to maintain our healthy weight. Yes, meal plans suck and eating makes me feel like utter shit but in order to attend college this spring I need to maintain the weight that I am now. I may be addicted to Anorexia but today I am making the commitment to eat the same amount each day that I’ve been eating for the past two weeks in order to hopefully not lose any more weight so that I can get my life back. I am terrified but today I am making the choice to at least try and that’s what counts.

Yoga mats and face plants

Today my older sister and I attended breakfast yoga at a local fitness center. The name is deceiving because there was no breakfast served…yoga was the only item on the menu. When I was out at Laureate we (the eating disorder patients) were allowed to attend a group yoga session three times a week once we reached certain points in weight restoration. About halfway into my three month stay in Oklahoma I was granted the ability to go to the light yoga on campus. When I say light I mean that by the end you’d probably be a little warm but definitely not sweating – a majority of time was spent in downward dog, child’s pose, or just stretching. At the time I truly appreciated being able to engage in any physical activity because all I was able to do before was sit in groups, nap, and eat copious amounts of food to help nourish my severely underweight body. Yoga today was way different than the “light” yoga I completed months ago. I almost broke a sweat at 8 am this morning – being a former varsity cross country and long distance track runner it’s sad that stretching my body and flowing through pose after pose made my muscles quiver and sweat bead on my brow. That being said, I feel blessed to have the energy to wake up and complete yoga early in the morning and to have a warm cup of black coffee after. Yoga eases my mind, body and soul and now that I am physically capable of completing a full session without fainting or becoming fatigued I will definitely incorporate the practice into my daily life.