Growing up my parents labeled me as defensive. No matter what I had done I always felt as though I needed to justify my actions or ideas so I wouldn’t get in trouble; I had an answer for everything. When arguments would arise between my parents and I I would yell about how the things I had done weren’t my fault…I blamed the world around me as if I was a saint and could do no wrong. You may be surprised by this, but I’m nowhere close to being of saint status. My father would tell me (and sometimes still does) that I have an excuse for everything, that my answers to all of their questions/interrogations were all made up pre-fight in order to defend myself even if I was guilty. Now in my mind I don’t like to think of my responses as excuses but more of as justifications. The word itself, justification, sounds a million times better than excuse. I guess I prefer to say I justify my thoughts and actions because it’s appropriate while an excuse puts me in the wrong…coming up with an excuse makes me feel guilty.
I feel immense guilt about many aspects of my life. I feel guilty about all that I own, for having money, for having clothes on my back and a bed to sleep in while there are so many people who have no home, for having loving parents while children are being abused, for having a family that supports me in all I do while families all over the world are telling their members that their thoughts and beliefs are wrong, and most of all food itself makes me feel guilty but the fact that my parents can provide food for my family and I am too terrified to eat it breaks my heart. There are millions of people in the world who dream of the food supply we have in our cabinets. For me, this accessibility to food of any sorts is a nightmare. One of my goals in life is to help those around me…this includes ALL people – any race/ethnicity, size, age, gender, etc. I want to give those who are struggling, who don’t have shelter, food, clothing, families, etc. the care, support and tools they need to live long, successful, happy and healthy lives. If I intend to change the world, to give these individuals all they need to build a better life, then I need to help myself first.
The question I am frequently asked is, “How are you going to help others if you can’t even help yourself?” My answer: I have love in my heart and believe that everyone is innately good and that gives me the faith to know I can help people even while i struggle with anorexia. Doctors have told me before that it’s common for people who avoid their own issues, who don’t help themselves to go out of their way to help others. I can see the goodness in others, I see past their actions – good or bad and recognize that everyone makes mistakes but that doesn’t make them a bad person. If I can see these characteristics in others can they see them in me? I sure as hell can’t see the goodness in myself…I view myself as a failure who is never going to be successful…oh, and on top of that I think I’m fat. I have no desire to help myself to see the love for others that I have in my heart and no desire to rid myself of anorexia but I’m starting to realize that if I am so stuck in my eating disorder that I won’t be able to complete the missions work I dream doing in the future.
The only answer I’ve ever had for why I developed an eating disorder is because I thought and still think that I’m fat. Nobody told me I was fat, that there was anything wrong with my body I just developed these ideas on my own as a child. I feel as though I need to justify my eating disorder, the idea being that it’s acceptable to starve myself since I view myself as fat because I don’t deserve to eat and am a failure. Do you think these people who struggle to make ends meet or to put a roof over their children’s heads make a justification for not having a job or for not having the money to support their family? Do you think they tell themselves, “I don’t have to look for a job because I’m a failure” (*note that I do not view them as failures*). Just because they might view themselves as failures doesn’t give them the right to sit on their rear end and mope around. They pull themselves together and fight every day to earn a position at any office to be able to see another day. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we need to as a whole stop justifying everything, especially who we are and what we believe in, because we are afraid of judgement.
Justification may sound better than the term excuse, but they’re almost exactly alike. A justification and an excuse are ways we try to trick ourselves into believing our thoughts and actions aren’t wrong. There is no need to have to explain why you believe something or why you behaved the way you did on a certain occasion unless you have wronged someone, even yourself. We need to stop coming up with these lame excuses and be the successful human beings we are meant to be. Put yourself out there, it’s acceptable to fail (even though articles written all over the world tell us its not) and when you do don’t come up with an excuse so you can stop trying. Everyone fails, but you need to believe in yourself, pull yourself together and keep fighting. Everyone is worthy and capable of success, and some are scared of being successful but we need to stop excusing ourselves from putting in the effort needed to succeed…we need to stop justifying our laziness or fear. We need to stop having an answer for everything and embrace the unknown. I wish I would have been able to conjure the courage to succeed when I was younger because maybe I would have been able to have done something great by now…but the past is the past and I now know that I don’t need an answer for every little thing…I don’t need to justify myself and excuse my actions.
Stop excusing yourself because you think you’ve done no wrong. If you’ve done something you aren’t proud of own up to it. If you haven’t done anything wrong you don’t need to come up with excuses – those around you will believe you.
Stop creating an answer for everything – it’s perfectly O.K. to not know things.
Stop justifying who you are to everyone and embrace yourself for the unique and awesome person that you are.
I will get the help that I need so that I can help those struggling all around me. I will get the help that I need so I can create justice for those suffering in the world. I will get the help that I need so I can make this world a better place. I may not want this help I speak of but if i want to create change for the better all over the globe then I need to embrace failure and success and stop justifying anorexia.
xoxo,
Larkin
Strength To Survive 