wise words.
Physical consequences are stacking up
As predicted I have suffered today. The exhaustion is getting more overwhelming the longer I let this carry on and the damage that I am doing is beginning to take its toll. I’ve been so physically tired that mostly it has made me nauseaus. A headache has not left me at all and to really shove it into pesepctive I have felt like I’m struggling to breathe. How did I let it get to the point where just breathing seems like too much of an effort? I’ve been trying to get a grip on it and finally got back to challenging myself. This happened on Friday lunchtime and afterwards I did that whole 1 minute thing where I have to just notice what I’m thinking and feeling without immediately trying to distract myself from it. It was hard and horrible. I felt untethered, as though my entire self was going…
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Am I a Failure?
Am I letting you down? I’m sorry, I messed up. I’ve lost all of the weight I was forced to gain in treatment. I am a few pounds away from my lowest weight and the sad thing is that makes me happy. I need to not lose anymore even though anorexia is screaming at me that I’m not skinny enough. I don’t like my body now, I feel horribly fat, but I need to eat enough to maintain. To anyone else fighting an eating disorder, how did you gain or maintain your weight? I technically need to gain weight and my parents are going to try to force feed me to make me gain but I do not want to gain weight, I just want to maintain my low weight. What do I do? Am I a Failure?
I’m sorry for relapsing again and again and again…
I can’t help it – anorexia makes me do it.
I’m sorry.
Xoxo
Erin 💛
Yes, so true!
Caffeine Fix
I think I’m addicted to iced black coffee…it’s so robust and delicious. I only drink my coffee black because its bitter, slightly sweet taste is so delectable and smooth. Due to the summer heat I haven’t been in the mood for the typical steamy early morning cup of joe and have been substituting it with a chilly iced coffee instead. No matter how I have it a cup of black coffee and watching the sun rise is my favorite way to spend my mornings!
I hope you enjoy your coffee or whatever beverage you like most and let the beautiful morning give you positive vibes 💛
XoXo
Erin 💙
self harm is not a help. it never was. it is a hard truth to swallow, but it is true.
Collages and coffee
These are two of my favorite collages I’ve made – they aren’t finished but they’re pretty darn close to it. The right is about college and all I want to achieve when I attend Saint Joseph’s University in the fall. There are clippings from various fashion magazines that represent my desire to become an intern and learn a lot in my field of study. There are also cut outs that say things such as “love yourself” “body positive” and depict my desire to learn to accept my body and enjoy cuisine from different cultures. The left collage is about my love of traveling and all the places my career will take me since I am double majoring in international business and marketing and minoring in communications. I am going to take Italian and am actually taking a beginners course in Italian this summer to get a head start on the beautiful language. Making collages like these two allows me to focus on the future and be positive about myself/not worry about my body. One day I want to be able to accept myself and by working on art and fashion I am about to love my creativity and maybe one day I can love my body.
I hope you all know how beautiful you are and that your bodies are wonderful the way they are!
Peace and love – xoxo
Larkin ❤️
Dorm room finds
As I prepare to leave for college in the next month and a half I have been on the hunt for great dorm room decorations. I’ve been creating a multitude of collages filled from edge to edge with positive clippings from various fashion magazines. Making these are easy and a great way to focus my mind on something other than my body. My roommate is from California and brings a beachy vibe to our wonderful room, while I add a bohemian chic appeal. We have the same style when it comes to fashion, we watch the same shows and enjoy the same kinds of music. I am blessed to have found a roommate that I get along with so well. I need some ideas of decorations that are cute, and can either be bought or made with my small preparing for college costs budget. I know I don’t have many readers but any ideas would be beneficial and I would truly appreciate it!
Thank you ☺️
Peace and Love 💛💙
A day without numbers
Today I overcame an obstacle that has been in my way for quite some time: I ate a meal without counting calories! The guilt is very strong, but I’ve been keeping my mind occupied by flipping through past issues of Vouge and sketching some new garment ideas. I rarely say this and it’s hard to allow myself to do so but I am proud of myself. Even though it was just one meal that I didn’t count it is a big deal because I’ve been terrified to stop the constant adding of calories in my mind. I’m taking this small leap of faith today as a win for me and a loss for anorexia – this is a step in the right direction! 💛
Strength To Survive 